i have got to stop naming everything after nine inch nails songs.
it seems lately that i’m drifting away from my friends… or more that they’re drifting away from me, actually. even in the group i go to lunch with, they’re splitting off into smaller groups, so there’s obviously katie + jonny, steph + matt, then claire doesn’t talk to me much anymore and her and kirstie keep going off to discuss things, they won’t confide in anyone else. then there’s all these MSN conversations and things that keep happened when i’m not around that they all bond over, and i feel… kinda left out. i know it’s at least partly my fault, for being annoying, which is a part of my personality that i’ve never been able to change, though i do make an effort to be nicer to my friends, and becoming more and more socially reclusive, for not being on MSN as much - or just appearing offline when i am on - and not joining or going to any clubs, liek guides or badminton, that many of the others go to… and i don’t feel like i’m particuarly interesting anymore. i spend my life on the computer and listening to music, making up stories in my head and pretending i’m in them to get away from reality. i want to talk about music, but none of my friends share my adoration of nine inch nails, or any of the other bands i really love. no one’s obsessed with the sims 2, so the only people i can talk to about that are strangers on internet forums, which really, really isn’t the same. even there i feel like an outsider. there isn’t some place that i feel i belong… except by myself, at home, in my room. i prefer being alone, but i like having friends too. i just really don’t know if i have any friends who are really like me. annie is the closest, because she’s nice and funny and makes me laugh, and loves anime and a lot of the music i like, as well as books and films and stuff… but even so, i don’t get to see her much at school, except at lunchtimes and in english lessons. i sat next to my best friend for the first time since starting at BVC last lesson. how fucking crap is that? the one person who really, really makes me feel like i am wanted, she probably doesn’t know how much she’s helped me. but still, though not as much as the rest, i feel like i’m drifting away from her, too. emiel was the person that i’ve felt the closest too in my fucking life, and he’s gone. haven’t spoken to him for months, even if i did we lost that connection when we broke up. i hate this, i hate this, i hate this. why am i becoming so much more depressed lately? snapping at my family, arguing with my mum, dad’s gone away for a week so i’m the oldest responsible person in the house, tired all the time no matter how much sleep i get, which isn’t much anyway because my thoughts keep me awake, perpetual feeling of dread for the next day for no reason, wanting to stay away from everyone else. i feel like i’m thirteen again. gah, i probably sound like a whiny emo kid. that’s the problem with everything, that if you complain about your problems everyone thinks you’re attention seeking and/or exaggerating and/or being stupid. i KNOW that i’m not the worst off person in the world. i know that there are people with far worse problems than me, but it doens’t mean that i don’t have problems. even so, i keep so much of it bottled up inside, and it just turns to self-hatred. i’m irrationally shy and have a pretty low self esteem anyway, so it’s the most unhelpful feeling that i could get. i hate myself for not being interesting enough to keep my friends or to be included in their groups, i hate myself for not being able to change, i ahte myself for moping around all day and not being able to get the enthusiasm to be productive. stupid.
got to go to bed now. goodnight.
